TMI Thursday: I am not a certified Gynecologist, but I play one on TV.

Yay. It's my favorite day of the week - thanks to Lilu. Probably because just like everyone else, some of the most ridiculous things happen in my life. So, prepare to gag or laugh. And do join in and humiliate yourself. It's the thing to do nowadays, in case you didn't get the memo.


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Long ago when I had first graduated High School, I had decided that I wanted to hit the high road. Leave the stupid state of Maryland and venture on to a more exciting world. The likes of Florida suited me best, or at least I thought. So, when I turned 18 and was packing up to move - I had just gotten accepted to the University of Tampa - I was fucking excited. I thought I might actually pee myself. And I thought, yes, 3 girls - I'll definitely have friends! Because I was stuck in a Quad. And well, I guess I never did realize that colleges LIE about putting you with people that best fit your personality, etc. But I guess they tried.

A week in living in Florida - I hated it. My three other rooommates were nut cases. One was an alcoholic (like, a legitimate one. At 19 she was already in AA, twice, and relapsed - twice.) The other was a drug addict (Of course, pot was her choice. She said it got her through the day. Coke was only to party. What?) and Well, the third one was a small town girl from Nebraska who pretty much fucked anything that walked. Vagina, Penis, Both? She wanted you. She had you. It was just like that. Oh, did I mention she was engaged? And her fiance was fucking crazy? Mmh. Gosh, I was hating my life.

On a Wednsday night, while normal people were sleeping, my Nebraska roommate drunkingly wakes me up. Or really, she shoves me until I open my eyes and look at her bewildered. I was confused. Extremely confused. And she was drunk, and scared. And then she says something to me, that to this day, I still wonder - wtf?


"Jess. I'm so trashed. And I had sex with Richie. And the condom slipped off. And now its stuck in my va-jay. Please get it out."

I blinked twice and told her to go to bed. And she was not letting up. "NO IM BEING SERIOUS. IT'S STUCK IN THERE. I NEED YOU TO GET IT OUT." And then she starts crying. Saying that she MUST get it out because of Fiance was flying down to visit the next day, and what if he were to find it in her? Then what? Ah. And from living with her, and having met him before. I believe he could kill a man with his bare hands. So, I did what any solid, faithful roommate would have done. I played gyencologist for the night.

Before you judge, I felt bad - okay!? I didn't know what else to do with her. She was crying and sounded scared, and if you ever met her Fiance. HE'S A SCARY GUY! And well, I look back at this moment now and I wish I had been more clever and come up with a better idea, but I hadn't. It happened. And well, now it's a good story - right? Right. OKAY!!

3am on a Wednsday night, We venture to the 24 hours CVS. Grab some chopsticks (to get that sucker) and gloves (cause I wasn't touching ANYTHING with my bare hands) And some hand sanitizer. Oh, and you think I was going to go at this alone? No sir. I woke up my two other roommates and like a team we went on this mission. And this mission brought us a hell of a lot closer together. One held her legs up, the other a flash light, and I went in for the kill. 5 minutes later, a lot of going in and out of another females vagina - tons of giggling. There she was, in my hand, this girls used condom. And then I hopped in the shower and scrubbed myself until my skin felt raw.

And you know what? I ended up withdrawing from that ridiculous school during winter break and transferred the next semester. I never did come to find out what happened to those crazy girls, or if she ever did get another condom stuck in her. But I do hope that I got some big brownie points with the man upstairs. I'm just sayin'.