If All Sins Came Together To Be One Thing It Would Be This Blind Date

"Where have you been!?" I've been asked. "Why aren't you blogging!?" is also another common one. Well, my 2 loyal readers. Here is why: Because school is eating me alive and I am hiding from quite possibly the worst blind date known to all humans. Oh, you want me to tell you the story? Okay.

In the past couple of weeks I've been hassled that it is time to set forth and enjoy the years I have to come. I have been told that while heartbreak tends to be inevitable, there is no time like today to grasp the fish that are in the sea or some other rendition of "getoffyourassandgetoutthere" type thing. So, naturally, I said - "Alright, set me up" but I also added the tidbit of "Get me stupid drunk first" in there. And so, they did. And at first, things were fun. He was cute, this guy. Always had a smile on his face and seemed to be having fun. Until, that is, Midnight hit and transformations began. Reliving this moment is giving me all the ills from the night. Should I do this in bullet form? I think so.

- He became ridiculously attached. As if we had been dating for years. If a guy smiled at me, he gave him the evil eye. It was WEIRD.
- He answered questions FOR me. I thought I was my own person? Wait. I don't even know you!?
- He decided that Vodka&Cranberry was my drink of choice. I hate Vodka. I kept giving my drink away, and a new one would arrive. I even told him I didn't like Vodka. His response? "Tonight you do."
- 4 beers was all it took for him to become nearly belligerent. And even more annoying, which I didn't know was possible.
- He told me that when we got married, he wanted me to be a stay at home mother. We hadn't even made it to first base and we're discussing marriage? No.
- Oh, we were also going to have three kids.
- A dog, too.
- "No one says no to me, girl. NO ONE."
- His attempt to make out with me was slamming me into a wall and grabbing my face. My reaction? A kick to the balls. HE SCARED ME.
- Since I was no good, he started making out with the drunkest girl there.

And then he proceeded to sit on a bar stool and pass out.

I didn't even know people like this actually existed. Seriously.

My Letter To The Month Of April

Dear April,

I am confused and overwhelmed with how you have surprisingly pulled the rug from right under me. I thought that was we had was real, but alas, I was proved wrong. You lured me in with the promises of many nights in which bad decisions were to be made, and drinking til feelings were no longer to be felt would ensue. Promises of the end of continuous hair-pulling due to school work and a shower of birthdays.

You have let me down in more ways than I should see in a lifetime.

You have confused me continuously with your bipolar antics in terms of weather, and then you just plain lied to me. 7 papers, 3 tests and countless quizzes? REALLY, APRIL? I thought we had a deal! I thought you would keep that in the months of March and May? April! We were suppose to double team this and party until our livers recoiled in disgust? Why did you back down? Why are you stressing me out and causing me anxiety? And why are you keeping me so busy that I can barely even use the computer?

I'm not sure we can be friends anymore, and no - not even with benefits. My excitement to get pants-shittingly drunk with you has no dwindled into a faded memory. "I'm Sorry" does not cut it this time, you have let me down.

And now, thanks to you, I must go and slave over two papers that were due on Monday.

Thank you for trying, but I must turn away from you. Please don't call me or e-mail me, there are no more words which can be shared between us. You have killed the flame, and it seems without remorse.

It's been real, April. But not real enough.

Sincerely,
Jj

TMI Thursdays: Bare Asses Need Public Humiliation, Too.

Ah yes, here we are. TMI Thursdays - brilliant. Thank LiLu for the craziness. Share your most humiliating, disgusting, grotesque, vomit-inducing, cringeful story - or just laugh at ours. Nevertheless, TMI THURSDAYS here we go!
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Every female remembers their first drunk squat. You know what I'm talking about, when you're half past too drunk and you really have to pee. Like it just can not wait, so your friend suggests you pop a squat, and you're SO dang excited that you try - gripping air and wobbling, pulling at your pants so you don't get pee on them, giggling at the difficulty and releasing. Ah the pleasure, but oh the pain - when popping a squat goes wrong, eh?

We were at our senior beach week in good ol' Ocean City and we pretty much thought we were the shit. Had a sweet ass hotel room, ridiculous amount of alcohol, and every senior class you could think of was occupying a room in every beachfront hotel. It was like Cancun, only less crazy. A different type of crazy, I'd say. I always tell people - definitely go to OC for your beachweek, you will come back with stories. And they always do. This time being no different.

Between the haze of being drunk at 6pm, and the sun beating down on us - I felt the familiar tinkle that occurs down there. I had to pee, but I didn't want to break the seal. Not yet! I was on a roll! And to top if all off, the bathroom was a hell of a lot further then I realized. And if you've ever been to Ocean City, you know what I'm talking about. So, the trek began. My friends and I decided to walk towards the boardwalk, and see if we could get under it. Laughing too hard, stumbling everywhere, we found it. Everyone sat down - we were way too drunk to move any further. Some even decided to take naps. I, however, still really had to pee. So, I walked closer towards the shore and just popped a squat -- broad daylight, in front of everyone. And then, I was asleep.

I shit you not, I fell asleep. Well, I fell forward, ate a ton of sand, and then proceeded to fall asleep.

I woke up to someone poking me, or really something poking my bare ass. In confusion, I look up and it's a city cop. All of my friends were sitting in a circle trying not to giggle because they were in trouble, and I was the miserable chump with my ass in the air.

Did I mention we drew a crowd? Yeah. That pretty much set the mood for the rest of the week.

God Don't Like Ugly... Or Tourists.

I have been taking the metro alone since I was about 16 years old, and I have always known and respected the flow of human traffic - even when I was a "metro virgin". And I can tell you, it isn't rocket science to learn the flow of human traffic, simply by watching. One trip on the metro, and guaranteed you understand the ways of it all. If not - you're stupid. And unfortunately for us, Tourists are amongst the stupidest.

Stand right, walk left. Slow walk on the right, fast walking on the left. Never stand in front of the escalator or obliviously in the middle of the sidewalk. Never stand in front of the metro doors. NEVER TAKE UP TWO SEATS. And never, ever touch anyone on the metro.

Why is that so hard to understand? And what is so awesome about Cherry Blossoms? They're fucking trees people. Google it. Actually, I can even give you a helping hand. Here:



*deep breath*

And I'm just sayin'.. If one more husky Wisconsin family of four manhandles me on the metro this week, I'm flipping my shit.

But I thought we were friends?

So, maybe it's early in the week to share an embarrassing story - but you know what? Why not. You'll get a double dose.

When I first started getting internships over the summer, I was extremely passionate for the whole dressing up thing. Something about clanking down a sidewalk in killer heels and sexy ass skirt screamed "awesome" to me. I like to dress up in business attire, I think it's awesome. So much so, I think I probably turn myself on. Too much?
Unfortunately for me, I am not a morning person. I never have been, which is probably why I have developed the need for caffeine in my system every day of my life. My body is solely dependent on any dose of caffeine in the morning, afternoon and sometimes evening in order to survive. Coffee, Diet Coke, anything. I need it or I am Miss Cranky Pants and I hate your life. I'm telling you -- if I could inject it in my veins like a heroine addict, I'd be shooting up like it was my job.

Anyhoodles, I think my body is now rejecting caffeine. I kid you not. And it's devastating, I have no idea what to do with myself. This morning, I did my normal pit stop before class for a Venti Coffee. Black. Per usual. Except my body did something it never does before -- things started a rumblin' and coffee suddenly wasn't tasting as amazing as it usually does. And it took a second to realize that if I didn't throw this cup away and hurry to the bathroom, things that should not happen outside of your own four walls would ensue. I was in straight up panick mode at 8am this morning folkes, dead in the middle of campus. I mean, have you seen marylands campus? No?

Oh okay, this is it:

http://www.transportation.umd.edu/2008Map.pdf

Needless to say, I attempted to run to the nearest building and failed. I am 20 years old, folkes. And for a second I felt and looked like a 90 year old man that literally could not hold their personal fluids.

Dear Caffeine,

It's been real. We've had a long run. But I think we're going to have to take a break for a while. You have failed me and caused me immense amount of embarassment. I curse you and I'm saddened that you could do me so wrong. Don't take it personally, but I do. And that' just ain't cool. I thought we were close, I thought we had potential. I see you had other things planned. Thanks for nothing.

Sincerely,

JJ

Someecards Sunday!

Too Much? That's fine.

It's the truth. Last night I was told I was one of the most vulgar females anyone had ever met, and I actually take pride in that. My morals aren't exactly up to par with a lot of people that I know. I guess that makes me different. I mean, if you ever need advice - ask away. But chances of me being too blunt are a pre-warning.

But then again, who doesn't like it that way sometimes?

Confessions: Take 1

I'm actually rather sad that yesterday I wasn't able to participate in TMI Thursday, but really - it gave way for an awesome story for next week. *grins*

Anyway, I get these ridiculous sparks of inspiration while I walk my dog, and I think to myself - now that would make a fantastic post. And then I sit in front of my laptop and completely draw a blank on what I was going to say, or better yet - how I was going to say it. Ah well, let us roll with the punches, shall we? I'm probably going to do this often, and you're more than welcome to participate - I'm calling it confessions. Things you don't realize or want to admit, but when you do it feels damn good? Mhm. Yeah.

I have always been the one in the relationship and I've been quite proud of that. Up until my heart gets broken, and then I'm angry at the fact. But you know what? Let bygones be bygones, why dwell? Of course, it takes me a couple of months to realize that and then I bounce back and I'm okay. Or so, at least, I think I am. I've been in two major relationships. One of them sucked major ass and it isn't even worth mentioning, the other was my High School Sweetheart. He really was, in every sense of the word. The whole nine yards. We graduated together, we went to college together, we even transferred together. And somewhere in between that summer of "growing up" and the stresses of transferring to bigger schools - we had a falling out. And 2 year battle of falling out, actually. And I can honestly say that I had some fault in it. I became needy, and then I became distant. He became needy, and then he became distant. He and I were never on the same page anymore, and we both knew it wasn't going to end up working. But how do you break up with someone you're in love with but can't work with? Easy. You hit them below the belt. And well, that's what we ended up doing for an entire year. Messing each other up to give the other a valid reason to run. And even that, crazy as it may sound, didn't work. Until early this year when he hooked up with someone whom I thought was my friend. And he didn't even say I'm sorry. All he said was, "I'm content with how my life is now. Without you." And well, badabing - there ends the debacle.

I guess you could say that it took me a second to bounce back, but it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. I'm 20 years old, I'm young as hell. I've got many people to kiss/touch/whatever, and many nights to get drunk and make bad decisions before I settle down anyway. And I'm realizing that I've got many friends to make, many to lose and many decisions to cut down on.

But what's my confession with this entire scenario?

I am scared straight up almost dying out of my MIND. I am scared. I don't know what to do first, where to go, or who to turn to.

Well then... There you go.

Things I guess I should have said?

Happy April 1st and all that jazz. I'm not too big on pranks. Actually, I hate them a hell of a lot. You could say that I'm slightly traumatized. May so, I am a lot of the case in traumatized. So, I'm going to turn my cheek to you today, April Fools. And do this prompt:


We all have something we want to say to someone. Maybe it’s someone in your life now. Or, maybe it is something you wish you said to someone who is no longer in your life. It could even be Mr./Ms. Random Person that you saw in the local coffee shop today. What do you want to say that you were never able to?You can leave the person(s) identity anonymous, if you’d like. Feel free to feature more than one person. Do it in letter form or any form you prefer. Show us that creativity!


Stole this from Lilu who stole it from Twenty Something Bloggers. Being blessed with the gift of gab, I am often times stuck without words. And then I go home and recite all the things I wish I had said in the mirror, and I get angry. And then I drink a diet coke and I'm over it. But I never do forget those things I wish I had said to people, and here is my chance. Some are a bit much, I know. But there are no secrets here, right? Right. On then.
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Truly, I am amazed that you are married. And with child, no less. You were a terrible lover, and quite frankly - I feel bad for your wife. So, maybe we left things with many pieces. We said things that at the moment, you didn't mean. But I meant every word I said. And I don't even really feel bad. People say there is good in everyone. That is false. You were and are a bad person. I hope you one day change your ways.

I love you, a lot. I always have and I always will. But for the amount of effort I put into our friendship, you do a stank ass job. And sometimes, I resent you for this. You want everything to be your way, you call to complain, but you never lend an ear. I guess that's sort of why we live so far and only speak every so often. And I suppose that is why I never answer the phone anymore when you call - I simply text you back. Because you lack the recognition of a good friendship. And you take people for granted, and you put yourself back. I love you, a lot. But I want to associate myself with you less and less because you fall short of all you claim to be. Your goals are false, and you will settle for less - when you deserve that much more. And that, in truth, makes me a hell of a lot sad.

There are times when some friendships don't make it back. I know you're sorry, and I forgive you. But I don't forget - and I don't even miss you.

Your accusations made me rebel. Whenever I said I was at my best friends house, I really was. I was never a liar, and I never will be. But when you expected me to be at someone elses house, I was there. Just for you, just so you could feel better for yourself. I always thought you'd grow out of this, but at 20 years old - you smother me. And I'm counting down the days til I move three states away. I wish you'd stop before it's too late. You know, it isn't too late yet.

Thank you for always having my back and never asking questions. For never judging me, for always going with my excuses and smiling blindly. Thank you for never asking questions and standing in my way. Thank you.

I moved for you. I transferred for you. I went against all odds, lost many friends and dedicated myself to you. Did I mention that I was incredibly young? And I believed you when you said thank you. I believed you when you said you'd never do me wrong. But you ended up doing things I didn't think ANYONE was capable for. And now, I'm graduating a year later. And the thought of you makes my stomach flip - even to this day. I'm scared of running into you because I feel I may actually physically hurt you. And the day that I truly get over all of this, will be the day that I can say that I'm truly a grown up. And I truly believe in Karma.

I'm not trying to be your mom, I just don't want you to make the same mistakes I did.

I wish you didn't care so much about what other people thought of you. Maybe then, you wouldn't have so many fake friends and cry all the time. I wish you'd learn to just not give a damn. All these people you surround yourself with now more than likely won't be around when you need them. Step off your high horse already.

I'll never forgive you for introducing me to drugs. And I'll never forgive myself for falling into temptaton. But I do congratulate myself for getting out when I could. And I'm happy to be completely clean. You have no idea how stupid you really do look.

You were the worst first kiss of my life. I wonder who elses first kiss you ruined.

Thank you for stopping me. Thank you for bringing my back to reality. Thank you for showing me the truth. Thank you for never abandoning me. And most of all, even though I see you only once in a while - thank you for never changing our way. Talking to you every. single. day. since our freshman year in high school has had and will probably always have one of the most significant impacts of all my life. Thank you.

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Well, that fell fantastic. You should definitely give it a shot.