Confessions: Take 1

I'm actually rather sad that yesterday I wasn't able to participate in TMI Thursday, but really - it gave way for an awesome story for next week. *grins*

Anyway, I get these ridiculous sparks of inspiration while I walk my dog, and I think to myself - now that would make a fantastic post. And then I sit in front of my laptop and completely draw a blank on what I was going to say, or better yet - how I was going to say it. Ah well, let us roll with the punches, shall we? I'm probably going to do this often, and you're more than welcome to participate - I'm calling it confessions. Things you don't realize or want to admit, but when you do it feels damn good? Mhm. Yeah.

I have always been the one in the relationship and I've been quite proud of that. Up until my heart gets broken, and then I'm angry at the fact. But you know what? Let bygones be bygones, why dwell? Of course, it takes me a couple of months to realize that and then I bounce back and I'm okay. Or so, at least, I think I am. I've been in two major relationships. One of them sucked major ass and it isn't even worth mentioning, the other was my High School Sweetheart. He really was, in every sense of the word. The whole nine yards. We graduated together, we went to college together, we even transferred together. And somewhere in between that summer of "growing up" and the stresses of transferring to bigger schools - we had a falling out. And 2 year battle of falling out, actually. And I can honestly say that I had some fault in it. I became needy, and then I became distant. He became needy, and then he became distant. He and I were never on the same page anymore, and we both knew it wasn't going to end up working. But how do you break up with someone you're in love with but can't work with? Easy. You hit them below the belt. And well, that's what we ended up doing for an entire year. Messing each other up to give the other a valid reason to run. And even that, crazy as it may sound, didn't work. Until early this year when he hooked up with someone whom I thought was my friend. And he didn't even say I'm sorry. All he said was, "I'm content with how my life is now. Without you." And well, badabing - there ends the debacle.

I guess you could say that it took me a second to bounce back, but it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. I'm 20 years old, I'm young as hell. I've got many people to kiss/touch/whatever, and many nights to get drunk and make bad decisions before I settle down anyway. And I'm realizing that I've got many friends to make, many to lose and many decisions to cut down on.

But what's my confession with this entire scenario?

I am scared straight up almost dying out of my MIND. I am scared. I don't know what to do first, where to go, or who to turn to.

Well then... There you go.